How Could I Forget?

It seems like a century has slipped past since I last looked at this blog! So much has happened in the past few days - my first poetry reading and wine dinner, countless business meetings, making new friends, Silverfish's looming short story deadline, yoga philosophy classes. It's been a rollercoaster of fun, frenzy and fatigue. But until two days ago, only one item on my to-do list was brandishing the Worry-Incessantly-About-Me-Now placard. My impending yoga trip to India.

How could October 2005 be six months ago? It feels like the ink hasn't even dried on my application form and I'm already dusting off my backpack. I leave in exactly 2 weeks. The very thought makes me freeze momentarily.

I've practiced yoga for over two years, I have a daily one-hour home practice, I've read countless books, my teacher has been generously 'tutoring' me in yoga philosphy for the past few weeks, I can chant the entire 24 lines of the opening prayer in Sanskrit by heart...and I'm not ready for this trip at all. Each time I have a bad practice, I ask myself what made me think I could be a teacher. When I have a good practice, I ask myself if it will be good enough for THEM. I wonder if I would be the only one there who can't nestle my head in my feet in a backbend, stand motionless on my head or stay awake during meditation. Each time these thoughts race through my mind, I feel my excitement draining faster than KL's irrigation system. It came to the point where I almost regretted enrolling.

Then, two days ago, I was given the priviledge of reading a new friend's book manuscript. The author is an Ashtanga practitioner and the book, It's A Long Way To The Floor, details his yogic journey. I read the book in record time, partly because the writing flowed so well and mostly because it summoned every one of my insecurities to the surface. The author had battled with the same issues I did when I first started - competitiveness, pride, frustration and disappointment. Over time, these negative emotions were replaced by the same emotions that spurred me to walk this spiritual path - patience, acceptance, humility, surrender, peace and pure happiness. By the time I reached the tenth chapter, I remembered why I fell in love with yoga in the first place. Because of how it made me feel, not because of what it made me do. I realise that I will never be completely ready for this experience and perhaps I'm not supposed to be. After all, I'm going there to learn and if I think I already know everything, then I will miss out on everything.

My excitement has begun slowly creeping back and now, I can't wait to get on that plane. I am ready now. So thank you David Byck for reminding me of everything I briefly forgot.